The last few weeks before I moved home from Hawaii, I distinctly remember three different times where I had some sort of experience with friends and was enjoying good conversation with them and just thought I wish I could stay in this moment forever. Laying on the beach at Hanauma Bay with Maile & Abigail after a snorkeling, talking while drying off from the warmth of the sun. Sitting atop Chinaman's Hat (after kayaking to it and climbing up it) with Kileigh reminiscing over the previous two years and discussing our faith and our futures. Eating PB&J while Adele & Jonathan ran around searching for the perfect photo op of the monk seal at Ka'ena Point, looking down the beautiful coastline. But of course no matter how beautiful the location, or how fun the friend, eventually we had to return to reality and continue on with our regularly scheduled lives.
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Earlier this week I was listening to Annie F. Downs' podcast where she was having a conversation with Steven Curtis Chapman. Years ago he wrote a song called "The Mountain" and she asked him about why he wrote it because it was a song that made a big impact on her as a kid. He explained that he had been reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. One particular day, the devotion was about the Transfiguration. (If you don't know, the Transfiguration is told in Matthew 17:1-13. A quick recap: Jesus takes Peter, James & John up on a mountain. Jesus transfigures: his face becomes like the sun and his garments become white. Moses and Elijah appear with Him. The disciples are in awe and Peter says, "This is good, let's build a temple for each of you." That doesn't happen. God says "This is my son in whom I'm pleased." And then the moment ends, things return to normal and they head back down the mountain.) Chambers explained that when Peter wanted to build temples for Jesus, Elijah, and Moses, that he was trying to stay in that moment forever. He felt that that was what life is about and he wanted to be there.
Immediately after that Chambers explained that they go down the mountain and immediately are approached by a father whose son is demon possessed. Peter went from this literal mountaintop experience with Jesus to the harsh realities of life and spiritual warfare. On the mountain we see this is what life is really about. Heaven on earth. We need to take those mountaintop experiences into the valleys or else we will be full of despair and lose hope. This was the idea behind the song that Steven Curtis Chapman had written. As I listened to Annie and Steven have their conversation it immediately took me back to those moments in Hawaii... They were moments that I was thoroughly enjoying life and I wished I could have stayed in forever.
By no means am I trying to say that returning home to PA is like the demon-possessed valley, but it has been hard. I had my own little niche in Hawaii where I made friends (saved & unsaved), found a church, enjoyed a variety of things in my free time. Because of the difficulty of my job, I left that and came home which has felt very much like taking steps backwards. Moving back in with your parents (although I love them) is not the dream of a 32 year old. Being at home and being unsure of what I want to do in the future is hard. For so long I've dreamt of having a teaching position where I can be part of the community - connecting with students and fellow teachers, being involved in whatever way possible. I had that in Hawaii and it didn't feel like it was all it was cracked up to be. That's hard. Getting what you've always wanted and it leaving you wondering why.
At church this morning, we sang the hymn Victory in Jesus. The lyrics hit me so hard. "And then I cried, 'Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit,' And somehow Jesus came and brought to me the victory." I think for the past few months I’ve been living in this downtrodden state because -- I don’t know -- because life isn’t just the mountaintop experiences? Because coming back down to real life is difficult? I do know that right now, I need Jesus to come and heal my broken spirit.
I feel like I've been in the doldrums and it requires more energy than I have to pull myself up by the proverbial book straps and get on with life. I need Jesus. I need Him to give me strength because I'm weary. I need Him to restore my hope, give me purpose.
The past week I've been teaching calculus and its been difficult. But as I have started to learn students' names and get to know them, I can see God using them to restore my desire to teach. I see that the job in Hawaii was tough and that I can still have that dream job, just at a different school. I need to trust Him and not give up on what I've longed for all these years.
I'm still processing all of this. For the past few weeks I've also been doing Beth Moore's study, The Quest. Much of what she discusses is in order for us to develop deeper intimacy with God. I think that has also helped me get to a place where I was ready to hear all the rest of this and come to a place where I can cry out to God for healing and restoration.
Part of me doesn't want to post this and be transparent, but then again, I don't know that anyone will ever actually read this anyway... If you do, hopefully my thoughts aren't too jumbled and you can somehow relate and be encouraged.
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If you want to hear the part of the conversation between Annie & Steven that I was referring to, go to the 21ish minute marker until about the 25ish minutes marker.
(Oh look, I found the devotion by Chambers here.)
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