She's Got Issues- Control

Sunday School: “She’s Got Issues”    by Nicole Unice                                              January 25, 2015

Control

Control Issues? Take Quiz

[WATCH VIDEO]

The spectrum of Control or Power

(over our lives and the lives of others)

Control Freak                                                                                                Out of control

-try to manage others                                                                           -don’t even manage themselves

-thing there is ONE right way to do things                                            -don’t take responsibility

                                                                                                           -don’t work towards positive change

Too much control and we coerce and manipulate, thinking this is who we love people.

Too little control and we abdicate our own influence and responsibility to be a loving force in the world

A misuse of misunderstanding of our own control is the issue that drives women crazy.

Origins of Control

1) Our relationship with control is fueled by our beliefs.

Beliefs are our rules for life. They are often unspoken and sometimes unrecognized. They are the fuel that determines our actions and our feelings.

Can you think of any invisible rules that have power over your attitude and emotions?
(her example husband being responsible to clean the garage.)

2) Control is inexplicably tied to our understanding of God’s work in the world.

            -We need to recognize that God is in control.

-Read pg 36-37 about dealing with issues makes you beautiful

3) Control is about our sin nature.

Prov 14:12; Isa 55:8; Ezek 18:25

-we think of sin as bad behavior, but Jesus adds it’s also not doing things we should do

Paradox of control:  the control we exert is often controlling us.

            Ex: woman in book locking doors

            2 Pet 2:19- slave to what controls you

Control is often and umbrella issue, it affects those around you. Loving others is harder when your primary concern is maintaining command over your own circumstances. (40)

“Everyone becomes either beautiful or bitter by the time she’s forty… women either face their stuff or they don’t. Women make choices either to do whatever is necessary to keep as much control as possible, or work hard to understand what is in their control and what must be entrusted to God. (42)

A bitter woman is one who has done whatever is necessary to keep as much control as possible over her life and the lives of those around her – she holds on to issues and spews them out like germs.

A beaten woman is one who hasn’t just exerted enough control, is knocked down by life and doesn’t recover – she’s just surviving, she gives up on her dreams of love, purpose and fulfillment – she is that woman who’s always helpful and nice but never transparent or deep.

A beautiful woman is one who’s gained an understanding of what is in her control and what must be entrusted to God. She forgives, she heals, she radiates an inner beauty, dignity and strength

Your beliefs and experience have given you what psychologist call either an internal or external locus of control. (44)

Internal: you need to maintain control- you are the king

External: you feel controlled by someone or something else- you are a pawn

-If you answered True to 1, 7, 11, you have a pawn type mentality – you might attribute life events to fate.
-You may have suffered childhood trauma, regardless of the severity – like divorce, you felt unsafe or violated or abandoned 
-it could just be her personality then you take life as it comes, are flexible, laid-back – but susceptible to stress and depression.

-If you answered true to 2, 3, 5, you have a king type mentality.
-you think that whatever happens is your own doing, you can control the outcomes of your life, you take responsibility for your actions, have a greater sense of the influence you have – but you also get derailed when things don't go as you planned and respond by trying to exert even more control.

-Nothing seems to bring out the control freakiness in women than a break up or a baby – true to 4, 8, 9, 10

-if you answered yes to 6, you're probably in between – you feel that in some areas you feel very much in control, and in others not so much

Fear and pride are often the deep motivators behind our control issues. (48)

            -pride- I will change what I don’t like

            -fear- I will avoid what I don’t like

Where do you see areas of struggle with control in your own life?

What do we do about it??

Truth #1- We were made to rule (Gen 1:26)

            -Ps 16:5-6- we all have areas of influence/rule (53)

            -Just like Adam and Eve usurped God’s plan we do too when we try to control things without Him

Truth #2- Our influence aligned with God’s influence = unstoppable power (55)

-Eve evaluated a decision apart from the will of God

-Matt 5:3 (MSG) “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his rule.:

Copernicus- we are not the center of our universe

Truth #3- Choosing to lay down our control is a lifelong event. (56)

-Read passage on 56-57.

So what is your posture toward God's kingdom in your life? Can you explain his role and his rule? Do you believe that he is both present and active in your life? That even when hardship comes, he can – and will - work all things together for good? (59)

Joseph – Genesis 39:9 – his choices here on this earth directly affect his relationship with God. He understands that when we make choices – good or bad – he ultimately has to answer to God's rule. He attributes both good and bad to God, but with a trusting attitude. (60) when good comes, he believes God has blessed him. When evil comes, he believes God can transform. His perspective is always informed by his belief that God is in control. (62)

Joseph models a surrendered life…

-Surrendering control to God is not something that once you obtain you’re set – it's a lifelong, daily, consistent habit

-A surrendered heart needs constant upkeep because the natural tendency of the heart is to move back toward independence and control.

-Surrendering to God is a posture, a habit and a check-in.

-A surrendered posture means we place ourselves in a particular position or attitude of surrender.

-a habit of surrender means we practice a behavior pattern of surrender so regularly that it becomes almost involuntary

-Job- as he clings to life into his tenacious believe in excepting both good and trouble from God's hand, we discovered the secret to the practice of surrender… Joe continues to come to God honestly. He pours out his heart and his woman, yet he keeps God in his position of authority. (65) (David too)

-a surrender check-in means we take a mental space bar and allow ourselves to examine your motives when our control freakiness sets in

-once we've developed the practice of surrender, then we're in the right position to influence others – not control them

-In private moments of surrender, we become strength and for the public arena of our influence. We earn a right to be heard by others, not because you and I have great advice or because of our intelligence, but because our character is changed by a surrendered spirit (70).

-because of the gentleness and humility that are born out of surrender, others will be drawn to you.(70)

-can you think of a specific time you've surrendered yourself to God?

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We are studying the book She's Got Issues by Nicole Unice with the teen girls in Sunday School. These are my notes from the book. Just about none of it is my words-it's almost all quotes and paraphrases. I would recommend you read the book!!